How I enjoy teaching my kids the hard lessons: personal responsibility.
It all started one frustrating day in mid December... December 15 to be exact. My sister in law had come to visit. When it was time to leave, she encouraged her son to help clean, while my kids watched. Nothing I was saying was improving their work ethic, so I told my sister in law her son had done enough and sent them on their way. After they left, a two hour battle ensued with my son about cleaning his room. "But I didn't make the mess, I need help to clean it up!" "Son, you had help, you didn't use it." "But, but, but..." So I did something CRAZY. Something desperate. Something I've only ever threatened him I'd do.
I sent him down to eat dinner. I told him *I* was going to clean his room for him. He was happy, skipped down the stairs, probably thinking he just won the battle of the year. What he didn't know, was in the 20 minutes he was eating downstairs, I emptied EVERYTHING in his room. In hindsight, I should have taken a "before" photo, but I'm pretty sure anyone with children has seen what a messy room looks like and the visual is probably not super necessary. This resulted in a tired mama and this Facebook post before Liam could see what I had done.
When he came back upstairs, his reaction was legendary. I know we aren't supposed to enjoy the pain of our children... but this outburst brought me a least a little satisfaction knowing he now knew I meant business. As he laid pitifully in the middle of his empty floor crying at the ceiling, my mind wandered to the mess I had just created and how I was going to deal with it. You see, HIS room looked amazing... but now MY room... well...
I knew I had to devise a plan. I try to be a positive parent. I try to always let my kids experience "learning opportunities" and teach consequences rather than punishment. I don't like "I told you so" parenting, or "If you would have just listened to me the first time" parenting. And I do NOT work with empty threats. If I say it, I mean it. I like to try to make learning, even really hard lessons in life, fun and memorable.
Then I remembered something. When Alex was young, we had a reward system for her that we used for a time. It involved tickets that I made and posted values on. And crazily enough, although we hadn't used those tickets in 7 years, and had moved 3 times since then, I still had them and knew exactly where they were. :) I also knew that my kids loved playing "store". So I created one. :) Now, this was 10 days before Christmas and my time was super limited. So it's nothing Pinterest worthy, but it was really, really effective. Here is how it works. :)
Here are my tickets:
And here is my "store" (Keep in mind, this was a quick and dirty prototype. Now that I realize its something we will keep for a while, Ill make it cooler, more permanent, and NOT IN MY ROOM!).
The way it works: I keep those tickets in baskets around my house. Adults and teenagers can give out tickets for a variety of things, showing kindness, picking up some trash on the ground, remembering to wash your hands without being told. The key is to hand out tickets at least 3-5 times a day (or more!). I will often create challenges just to make my life easier. :) For instance, after a somewhat trying day with some cabin fever creating issues in my home last night, after dinner I declared, "the first person to have their pajamas on and their teeth brushed PROPERLY will get 10 tickets!" and they disappeared faster than a bunch of teenagers getting busted at a party. I gave tickets to both of them when they returned, ready for bed and (SURPRISE!) a movie to cap off the night. :)
The store: I am currently using inexpensive plastic shelving you can get from any big box store. You can get 4 shelf units for around $20. I have a variety of things in the store. Right now, its just mostly their stuff. :) When I see things laying around, I just pick it up and put it on one of their shelves. If they want it, they have to buy it back and remember to put it away when they are done with it next time. No yelling, no nagging, no tears (at least for me. :) ). The prices are VERY reasonable. Little items (IE: for Liam, its Hot Wheels, for Madi, it's Littlest Pet Shops) are 1 point each and they have to have a place to put them. SO if they lost their basket, they have to buy back the basket first. Baskets, toy boxes and shelves are 5 points. Dolls, stuffed animals, and games are 5 points each. Toys that don't fit in baskets are 10 points. Collections of things, such as Liam's Nerf guns and bullets, hot wheels track, Madis Monster high doll houses, etc, are 25 -50 points. And Liam's train table is 100 points (although, I'm thinking of having a "sale" on that one just to get it out of my room. :) ) Now that Liam has earned back most of his things, I am adding items to it. So far, I have added the new Scentsy warmers they have been wanting for their rooms (in exchange for the ones they already have - Madi has been wanting the Tiara warmer and Liam, the Blast Off ). That will be 100 points. I'm adding a trip to the movies for 100 points. I'm adding experiences for less points, like making cookies, going to the park, going to the library, or getting coffee with mommy. I haven't decided what point value they will be. I'm also adding cash. Ill have one dollar bills they can buy for 50 tickets. The store wont always have everything, Ill mix it up and keep it fresh. And so will they. :) The key is to make most items attainable to earn back, while creating items they will want to work for (which promotes decision making and learning to budget, as well as the valuable lesson in delayed gratification) and to reward all great efforts, especially ones that promote the lesson. If they tidy their room at the end of the day and I didn't have to remind them to do it, they get 20 points!
The store keeps hours: its not always open. I havent made hard rules on this yet, but they cant just go shopping whenever. Someone has to be working. :)
So far, its been a really good project. They are learning math, budgeting, responsibility, and a lot of great stuff in between. I get to keep my hair and my sanity. This was a few days after the project began: the first things he bought was a shelf, a basket and his car rug.
When he came back upstairs, his reaction was legendary. I know we aren't supposed to enjoy the pain of our children... but this outburst brought me a least a little satisfaction knowing he now knew I meant business. As he laid pitifully in the middle of his empty floor crying at the ceiling, my mind wandered to the mess I had just created and how I was going to deal with it. You see, HIS room looked amazing... but now MY room... well...
The store: I am currently using inexpensive plastic shelving you can get from any big box store. You can get 4 shelf units for around $20. I have a variety of things in the store. Right now, its just mostly their stuff. :) When I see things laying around, I just pick it up and put it on one of their shelves. If they want it, they have to buy it back and remember to put it away when they are done with it next time. No yelling, no nagging, no tears (at least for me. :) ). The prices are VERY reasonable. Little items (IE: for Liam, its Hot Wheels, for Madi, it's Littlest Pet Shops) are 1 point each and they have to have a place to put them. SO if they lost their basket, they have to buy back the basket first. Baskets, toy boxes and shelves are 5 points. Dolls, stuffed animals, and games are 5 points each. Toys that don't fit in baskets are 10 points. Collections of things, such as Liam's Nerf guns and bullets, hot wheels track, Madis Monster high doll houses, etc, are 25 -50 points. And Liam's train table is 100 points (although, I'm thinking of having a "sale" on that one just to get it out of my room. :) ) Now that Liam has earned back most of his things, I am adding items to it. So far, I have added the new Scentsy warmers they have been wanting for their rooms (in exchange for the ones they already have - Madi has been wanting the Tiara warmer and Liam, the Blast Off ). That will be 100 points. I'm adding a trip to the movies for 100 points. I'm adding experiences for less points, like making cookies, going to the park, going to the library, or getting coffee with mommy. I haven't decided what point value they will be. I'm also adding cash. Ill have one dollar bills they can buy for 50 tickets. The store wont always have everything, Ill mix it up and keep it fresh. And so will they. :) The key is to make most items attainable to earn back, while creating items they will want to work for (which promotes decision making and learning to budget, as well as the valuable lesson in delayed gratification) and to reward all great efforts, especially ones that promote the lesson. If they tidy their room at the end of the day and I didn't have to remind them to do it, they get 20 points!
The store keeps hours: its not always open. I havent made hard rules on this yet, but they cant just go shopping whenever. Someone has to be working. :)
So far, its been a really good project. They are learning math, budgeting, responsibility, and a lot of great stuff in between. I get to keep my hair and my sanity. This was a few days after the project began: the first things he bought was a shelf, a basket and his car rug.
Two weeks later, his room is looking amazing. Hes trying very hard, and I can see that its becoming easier for him, and they are both really enjoying this method. Even Alex enjoys it, because she gets to be a part of the rewards. :)
I should add. The hard part belongs to the parents for sure. In order for this to work, you have to be SUPER CONSISTENT. And there has to be a lot of biting your tongue (No gloating when you take something you found). I tried using the tickets in a punitive manner, meaning they had to give me tickets if they did something against the system, but I didn't find a lot of success there. Its a work in progress. And there should be a lot of celebration of the small things, which can be easy to look over. I'm not saying this will work for everyone, but its a hit in this house. Ill post more updates as I create them. :) If you have questions, feel free to post them. :)
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