In remembrance... My daddy... 15 years later.
15 years ago today, I lost my daddy to a terrible disease. One could argue that in reality, I lost him 30 years ago... but the battle ended 15 years ago. The disease was Addiction, the culprit - heroine. I cant believe 15 years has gone by.
Its hard to admit how angry I am. Addiction robbed me of every single thing a girl should have. In the moments I had my daddy, and there were only few, I was most certainly daddy's little girl. I hold on to these memories and cherish them like few others. He didnt get to see me get married or walk me down the isle. He wasnt there to size up my suiters and steer me in the right direction or protect my heart. He missed the birth of all of my children - especially his grandson... who was born on his birthday. I know how tickled he would have been to share a birthday with his grandson. I know he would have been a great grandpa. I dont have anywhere to go when I just want to be right... and be protected and feel like a princess. All because Addiction stole my daddy from me. When I was graduating High School, he was trolling the streets of Los Angeles... a homeless, broken man. Addiction took his soul. People no longer saw him as human. He was kicked and beaten and spit on... ultimately arrested for jay walking. He died in the LA County Jail Hospital. My grandmother by his side... but not me. I refused to go. I was so angry at him... for doing this to me... to my grandmother. Its a decision I have regretted for nearly as long as hes been gone.
I know that this disease is common and sometimes curable. Ive lived with it around me my whole life. I remember the inhuman beast my daddy became under the control of this disease. Addiction made him completely unaware of what he did to the ones he loved. I watched Addiction rip my sweet grandma's heart to shreds. Dozens of times. There were so many occasions my grandma and I would just cry together after Addiction attacked us. Addiction would break into our home - steal our things. Addiction even took me places to provide distraction so crimes could be committed. Addiction had no concern for others.
I spent a lot of years after my daddy died wondering what I could have done to save him. I was just a baby myself when he died... barely 18. I wondered if I just tried harder or called him more... if he would have been able to make it out of the rehab facility - just once - with strength on his side. I have come to the realization now that he was probably just doomed from the start. There was nothing I could have done. Some people simply cant over come the disease.
Addiction gave me an education I never wanted. Addiction stole parts of my soul. Addiction gave me things to regret, made me live with what if's, changed my identity. It was HIS disease... and 15 years later... I still feel it in my heart. His disease will live with me forever. Addiction cut a life way too short. 36 years was all my daddy saw on this earth. Disease has changed my perspective on things. I dont see people the same way. I understand that not ALL of us are in control of our circumstances. I understand that man on the street, my heart ACHES for him... and everything I CANT do for him.
There are few days that go by that I dont miss my dad. I wonder often what he would make of this world the way that it is. The technology... my daddy would have lived for it. He loved video games and technology. I see shows on TV - reality shows... he would have been amused. I see movies and I wonder if he would have liked it. I look at my babies... and wonder what he would have taught them about the world... if he would have helped Alex word her essays... like he did for me in the rare moments he was in control of himself. My daddy was so smart and well spoken. Completely charming. It's crazy how a little girl will always adore her daddy - no matter what the circumstances.
I know its not likely that my kids will ever appreciate the relationships that they have with their daddy the way I appreciate it... and I am so very grateful for that. Nobody should have to. I wish I could say that the pain has subsided, but I dont know that it has... I believe it has only changed, or like most chronic pain... my body has grown accustomed to it... I dont feel the daggers most days. I am so happy to know that there are some people out there that manage this disease daily and their children dont have to write these memoirs. They will be there for the important things, and even the non-important things. Addiction takes a back seat to their life. They are building memories together and loving their lives. I take notice, and love to see it.
Several months ago, I watched a dance... choreographed by Mia Michaels. It was appropriately named "Addiction". I felt every emotion of their movement. It gripped my heart and brought me to tears. It showed just exactly how Addiction grips you, controls you, makes you feel like its helping you - loving you, protecting you. You think you can get away... but it lays in wait. Ill end this post with the video, and just say... I love you, Daddy. Forever and Always.
Its hard to admit how angry I am. Addiction robbed me of every single thing a girl should have. In the moments I had my daddy, and there were only few, I was most certainly daddy's little girl. I hold on to these memories and cherish them like few others. He didnt get to see me get married or walk me down the isle. He wasnt there to size up my suiters and steer me in the right direction or protect my heart. He missed the birth of all of my children - especially his grandson... who was born on his birthday. I know how tickled he would have been to share a birthday with his grandson. I know he would have been a great grandpa. I dont have anywhere to go when I just want to be right... and be protected and feel like a princess. All because Addiction stole my daddy from me. When I was graduating High School, he was trolling the streets of Los Angeles... a homeless, broken man. Addiction took his soul. People no longer saw him as human. He was kicked and beaten and spit on... ultimately arrested for jay walking. He died in the LA County Jail Hospital. My grandmother by his side... but not me. I refused to go. I was so angry at him... for doing this to me... to my grandmother. Its a decision I have regretted for nearly as long as hes been gone.
I know that this disease is common and sometimes curable. Ive lived with it around me my whole life. I remember the inhuman beast my daddy became under the control of this disease. Addiction made him completely unaware of what he did to the ones he loved. I watched Addiction rip my sweet grandma's heart to shreds. Dozens of times. There were so many occasions my grandma and I would just cry together after Addiction attacked us. Addiction would break into our home - steal our things. Addiction even took me places to provide distraction so crimes could be committed. Addiction had no concern for others.
I spent a lot of years after my daddy died wondering what I could have done to save him. I was just a baby myself when he died... barely 18. I wondered if I just tried harder or called him more... if he would have been able to make it out of the rehab facility - just once - with strength on his side. I have come to the realization now that he was probably just doomed from the start. There was nothing I could have done. Some people simply cant over come the disease.
Addiction gave me an education I never wanted. Addiction stole parts of my soul. Addiction gave me things to regret, made me live with what if's, changed my identity. It was HIS disease... and 15 years later... I still feel it in my heart. His disease will live with me forever. Addiction cut a life way too short. 36 years was all my daddy saw on this earth. Disease has changed my perspective on things. I dont see people the same way. I understand that not ALL of us are in control of our circumstances. I understand that man on the street, my heart ACHES for him... and everything I CANT do for him.
There are few days that go by that I dont miss my dad. I wonder often what he would make of this world the way that it is. The technology... my daddy would have lived for it. He loved video games and technology. I see shows on TV - reality shows... he would have been amused. I see movies and I wonder if he would have liked it. I look at my babies... and wonder what he would have taught them about the world... if he would have helped Alex word her essays... like he did for me in the rare moments he was in control of himself. My daddy was so smart and well spoken. Completely charming. It's crazy how a little girl will always adore her daddy - no matter what the circumstances.
I know its not likely that my kids will ever appreciate the relationships that they have with their daddy the way I appreciate it... and I am so very grateful for that. Nobody should have to. I wish I could say that the pain has subsided, but I dont know that it has... I believe it has only changed, or like most chronic pain... my body has grown accustomed to it... I dont feel the daggers most days. I am so happy to know that there are some people out there that manage this disease daily and their children dont have to write these memoirs. They will be there for the important things, and even the non-important things. Addiction takes a back seat to their life. They are building memories together and loving their lives. I take notice, and love to see it.
Several months ago, I watched a dance... choreographed by Mia Michaels. It was appropriately named "Addiction". I felt every emotion of their movement. It gripped my heart and brought me to tears. It showed just exactly how Addiction grips you, controls you, makes you feel like its helping you - loving you, protecting you. You think you can get away... but it lays in wait. Ill end this post with the video, and just say... I love you, Daddy. Forever and Always.
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